Sometimes I don't understand why I do it.

They come in as happy bundles of energy. Their whole face smiles--something I wish that I could do. There is just a joy...an innocence....to them.

I take in each and every one of them, because I have to help them.

I noticed a few doing poorly this morning...Their mom was sick. My supervisor asked me to bottle feed them, doctor's request. I ran around for an hour measuring the formula, weighing them, washing them, feeing them, giving them medicine...Trying to save them. One wasn't going to make it, but the rest had a chance. I was willing to give them that. I had the time, we had the space and money, so I could try.

I was bottle feeding the last one. He was coming along well, a little thin for a newborn, but he was eating from the bottle. I had him wrapped up in a blanket, pacing the room with him in my arms.

"He's mine." There was almost a...I can't describe it. A joy, maybe? A malicious joy...I guess...To her voice.

I blinked and looked over at the woman standing in front of me with a cart filled with blue cages. It didn't register in my mind. How could he be going up for adoption? He was a newborn.

"He's coming with me. Actually...All of them are. The mom too. Oh, and these four here. And these."

Again I tilted my head, looking over at the four kittens and their sick mother.

It didn't hit me until I saw the stack of papers, each labeled 'EUTHANASIA'.

"No..." I shook my head. "They're fine. The mom is sick, but its just an URI...I can bottle feed them. I've done it before."

It was impossible. She started putting them in the cages, and I put the one I had been feeding back. I stared at the bottle, the huge quart of formula. Why had they even asked me to do it if they knew they were getting put down?

"It doesn't matter." Each cage closed with a slam and I winced, taking the bottle and the formula. I hurried off to the kitchen, rinsing the bottle. I didn't want to see them go.

When I came back, the doctor came up behind me, his voice hushed. "Can you take this one to the E-Room?" Another one with an Upper Respiratory Infection. I wanted to scream at him. All she needed was some medicine and she'd be fine! We have the money, we have the resources...Why can't you do it!

I knew I couldn't.

I played with her for a little bit and put her in the cage, carrying her to the back, past the freezer that she'd go in, past the back door. I saw that the curtains were drawn and I froze.

When I got my senses back, I got to the curtain. She was staring at the kittens, examining them. "Only one is sick."

I nodded numbly. "I know...Please, I can take the three. Really, I've done it before."

She shook her head. "So have I. We can't."

I turned just as I saw her raise the needle.

I walked out the door, going outside. The rain poured over my face and I sighed a little, stepping back in.

I came back to my room and started cleaning.

"I had to muzzle the puppy, yknow the lab one?"

I blinked and looked over. "Why?"

"They put him down. They said he had three bite cases."

I shook my head and looked down at a cage. The damn thing never hurt anyone. I hate how bullshit everything is. He's a puppy, we all liked him...He was fine.

"He looked like my dog...It was hard."

I just nodded and grabbed a trashbag, heading for the back again, past the sign that read 'EMPLOYEES ONLY'.

I can only imagine what happen if the public saw what we did.

What would they do if they saw the death, smelled it?

Death had a smell. It wasn't subtle, not what you'd imagine-- but we all knew it, just like we knew the smell of Parvo and Distemper.

It smelled distinctly like blood and coffee as I walked past the morgue, past the freezer with the eighteen animals--that I knew of-- that died today.